When I look back on the last five years of my life, I begin to see a story unfold. I never once thought I would end up where I am right now, especially after some of the most heart-breaking events happened in my life, but because of the Lord’s provision and faithfulness, I am a changed woman in Christ.
Sixteen. I felt like like I was on top of the world. I was making new friends, going out to lots of parties, and took much pride in being 15 pounds lighter than I was the year before. I started my first job, felt like I was “going places” until one day, there was a shift in my behaviour. My attitude towards food, and exercise had changed into a full blown eating disorder which, I wasn’t necessarily opposed to. I was absolutely obsessed with counting calories and burning them off. Friends and family became a second priority, with school being one of the last. I was failing at every aspect of my life except losing weight.
Seventeen. I did end up seeking professional help for anorexia, but at the same time I was still so obsessed with my weight and body shape that I was holding on to that same pride of eating less than others. I was miserable at the time, and had no idea what I wanted to do upon graduating high-school.
Eighteen. Probably the most confusing time of my life. I was stuck between wanting to eat like a normal person, but again, wanting to remain thin and so afraid of what might happen if I began to eat more. This is where I would eat and purge through exercise, or just eat and then feel really down in myself. I was starting to let others down around me, by telling them how upset and disgusted I was with myself. It was really difficult for others to relate and understand, but I was so grateful for their support and ability to listen to me vent.
Nineteen- Such a heart breaking time for me, because not only was I still dealing with a lot of the same issues around food but was also experiencing a lot of regret, shame and insecurity with who I was. I was extremely negative about the future, thinking that there is no hope for me, this is “how I am”. But guess what? God is so faithful, and here’s why.
Twenty- I’m almost twenty-one years old, and I can truly say that I no longer have those same feelings around food and exercise. If there’s anything that I’ve learned throughout all of those years of heart-ache and pain is…to be thankful and to never stop praying. I’m so thankful for every little thing in my life that five years ago I would have completely taken for granted. I am thankful for the food on my plate, I am thankful for the sunshine, I am thankful for the opportunity to become a nurse and help others with similar issues I once faced, I am thankful for my friends and family, I am thankful for a God who loves, cares, and provides for me. I am just so thankful for things that I was not able to notice before the eating disorder developed and that is truly why I believe it was a blessing in disguise as much as it was an important part of God’s plan. To taste and see that Lord is good, is to experience the victory He has over any problem that arises. The freedom of being able to eat a mac and cheese without worrying about how those calories are going to be spent. I am so thankful, I am so blessed, I am so free!
Thank you, to all of you who have helped, listened, supported and prayed for me. I am so thankful and blessed to have you in my life and of course, God has placed you in my life at a specific point and time for a specific purpose.