I never thought I’d hear the doctor say to me that I am full of crap.
It’s quite funny actually, but he wasn’t joking. I was literally full of indigested food, causing serious abdominal pain in my side and in my chest.
The sad part of it was, I knew exactly what all of this was caused from.
I’ve been to prideful to admit that I have a hard time saying no to food (a.k.a. giving into temptation ). Saying no to food, because if I do I feel like I will be judged for “restricting” myself. It’s been years since I have batted the terrible mind-set of being anorexic. I have come very far in my journey of recovering from those days with the Lord’s help, other’s, and food itself.
Here is my dilemma. If I restrict, I am judging myself. If I don’t restrict, I end up judging myself for having total lack of self-control. While I know that this is a complete trick of the devil, it’s a trick I’ve been falling for, for quite a long time.
However, by saying no to food, am I really depriving myself?
I can find the answer to my question in the Word of God, by looking at where it says” But food does not bring us near to God, we are no worse if we do not eat and no better if we do.”
Food can be used to glorify God. But is the ultimate “thing” that glorifies Him? The devil tries to tell me that if I refuse to eat food that is offered to me, I am denying myself of food and thus I am not “really saved” under God’s grace. What a terrible lie, that I now recognize and can pray about each time this thought comes into my mind.
This week, I was really informed of who my God is, and what He will allow us to go through so that we will listen to Him.
Romans 14:23 says if you have doubts or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.
I had so many moments this week where I knew, I was not eating for the right reasons. I was eating to cover up stress, emotions, and to prove to myself that I can eat whatever I want-no matter how full I am.
As twisted as this sounds, the enemy really wanted me to continue to eat. “You can eat whatever you want, you’re free in Christ” Yes, I know I am free-but listen carefully to Mathew 4:4 that says” Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” This is stated several time through the scriptures and quite frankly, I am glad to know that Jesus was able to resist the temptation I was going through.
For several days this week, I felt really uncomfortable around my stomach region. There was a lot of food in there, that had not been digested and was causing so much pain and discomfort down my sides, my back and even in my chest. I knew that it was of my own doing, because I was listening to the devil and eating food’s with a higher fat content, and doing it for selfish reasons.
When I’m feeling stressed, I can pray. When I’m worried, I can pray. When I’m lonely, I can pray. Each time I am feeling inadequate, I can pray. This week, instead of praying, I was eating my feelings so that I may feel less worried, less stressed, less lonely. I was convinced that it was a normal, healthy reason to eat but I knew in the depths of my heart that it wasn’t coming from faith or being thankful, it was coming from fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of what will happen…
I was so full of food that, I ended up going to the hospital Thursday afternoon to get things checked out. To see what was really going on in my stomach and that it wasn’t just all in my head. After 7 hours of sitting in the room, the doctor finally said “You’re so full of stool, you need to flush out your system.” He gave me some advice, like drinking lots of fluid, eating fibrous food, etc.
I ended up spending an entire day of sitting in my room, laying on my floor, in so many uncomfortable positions. I was really feeling the pain, and not just physical. But the pain of knowing I could have avoided this by listening to God in the first place when I eat. I was praying most of the day, asking for forgiveness. I also asked others to pray for me as well, which I believe was a huge help.
Today, I woke up with the biggest smile on my face. Healed, free of pain. Free of the guilt I had too. Jesus really is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, who takes our shame and guilt…removes our sins. I know that by having the confidence I did in Him yesterday to have helped me overcome my situation, I can now walk in the victory of knowing that God is faithful—all the time.