This is tough.

When I write blogs, I write them when I’m feeling good.

I pre-plan what I’m going to write about and try not to forget any details when it comes to typing them out. My thoughts go all over the place, but I try my best to get my main message across.

This time, I’m writing a blog post because I’m not feeling good. I’m writing this because I can hear God telling me that I need to write something in the hear-and-now, rather than pre-planning what I’m going to say. Why? Because what I’m going to say won’t be as “perfected” or “tweaked” to how I want other’s to read, I want to write this post from the inner-most part of my heart, not just the surface.

If I’m going to be entirely real with you, I’m not okay. I know theres something inside that needs “fixing.” It’s like I feel disconnected from who I am, and don’t know how to fix myself. I want to experience all of God’s truths about who I am, yet I feel as if I’m incapable of experiencing them right now.

A lot of people are aware of the issues I’ve had around eating, and I’ve tried to make the most out of what I’ve experienced during the darker times, into something greater. That’s not up to me though, it’s up to God to turn my ashes into beauty. It’s up to me to submit to His will.

I keep telling God that I’ll become all He’s ever wanted me to be, if He would just keep my body in check. If He would just take away my issues with eating and exercise and help me to remove all my unwanted thoughts about both of these things. But, my patience has been running so dry that I’ve started to doubt that God would want to do this for me, because I keep experiencing days where I’m constantly thinking about my body, what I eat, and how much I’m exercising each day.

Feeling so fed up, I came to the conclusion that praying would be the only solution to the mess I’m in. And honestly, what I heard God say to me throughout prayer was what He’s been saying to me since day one.

“Let go of what you’ve been holding onto, let go of your eating struggles and come to Me. Let go of whatever you’ve been letting bother you, so much that it effects others around you. People need you, because they need to see Me shining through you. They need to hear your testimony, so that they can have faith in Me also. Stop worrying about food, stop worrying about exercise. Stop thinking that you need to have a perfect body in order for Me to love you. You don’t need to have a structured, perfect diet in order to serve Me and be kind to other people. Stop pretending that eating and exercising for your own self-glory is your acceptance for entry into My kingdom. It may be for yours, but it’s not for Mine.”

1 Corinthians 13:3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Isaiah 64:6 We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.

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