The trouble with love…

What is it Lord, that makes us feel like were never satisfied? Why do we long for that something, however, once we get it, we still don’t feel entirely complete.

When we set ourselves apart from You, we are thirsty for your presence.

Psalm 107:9 “For he satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness.”

For 13.5 years of my life, I was pretty happy with my life, and there weren’t many moments where I felt discontent. My friends would have boyfriends, and I would be totally okay with being single. “Who needs a boyfriend at this age anyways?” I would tell myself, “I’ve got plenty of things in my life that keep me perfectly happy with where I am.

And all of the sudden, high school came and I had this sudden urgency to have a boyfriend. Within the first week of my freshman year, I was on the search for my first love. I knew that it was required of me to have a boyfriend at some point during my high school career, in order to fit in with my group of friends. It was now “expected” of me to no longer be single Sara.

And then one day, a boy actually noticed me. I didn’t think he was serious when he told one of my friends that I was ‘pretty cute’ so, I just brushed it off and continued to live life. I listened to my friends talk about boys, and how they were ‘texting’ a certain guy at all hours of the day. They seemed happy about having this type of relationship with another guy, and I realized how badly I wanted one too.

I began talking to this guy who mentioned to my friend I was cute, and we started texting each other on a daily basis. About a month later, we started to date and continued for 11-months. I never would have dreamt that I would be in a relationship in high school, let alone one that lasted for more than a few months, because I truly did not think I had the “right qualities” someone else would want in a companion.

During those 11-months, I have never felt so worthy of someone else’s time. I became this boy’s world, and he became mine. When we broke-up, I literally felt like my world had come to an end and began searching for someone else who could fix the fallen apart world I was currently facing.

I felt so incredibly desperate to find someone to love me, and to make me feel the same way I felt during those 11-months. I would go out of my way to get a guy to notice me, either by getting one of my friends to mention me in their conversations or go to a party and try to get them to notice me that way. I was on a mission for something, yet had no idea that I was looking in all the wrong places.

Maybe this boy will like me if I dress like she does…

Maybe he’ll notice me if I become more athletic, and join a sports team…

Maybe he’ll start talking to me if I hang out with these people…

I was completely blind to what I was doing, and living my life for the sake of finding a boy to like me. In other words, I was seeking a relationship with a boy instead of seeking one with God.

To make matters worse, I began to make idols out of people. I would try to make myself have the body of a thin, super-model type woman by eating less of what I normally would and exercising until I was completely exhausted. Exercise began to have an opposite affect on me, because I was starving myself of food in order to look like who I wanted to look like.

And then all of the sudden, a huge wave came over me when I was in the midst of finishing my last year of high-school. I knew that I wasn’t happy with my life and where it was going, nor was I okay with being a victim of an eating disorder. Things were spiraling out of my control, which made things so difficult. I knew there was a different plan for my life, and I just so happened to have taken the wrong turn.

So when I realized this, I began wonder what difference it would make if I began to start going to church. Would this make an impact on my life, and possibly change me for the better? I didn’t know what it might lead to but I was willing to give it a shot.

I told my parents about this idea, and they were absolutely thrilled. We began searching for a church we would all attend and found the perfect fit for our lives at Rosebank church.

It was different than the church I was used to as a child, because I grew up in a catholic religion. However, there was no signs of me acknowledging God until I started to attend Rosebank. I would listen to my pastor speak about the importance of a “relationship with God” and wanted to know more about this matter.

I had a great talk with him and his wife later on in his home. He told me things that I had never realized before about my experience with an eating disorder, he said something along the lines of us human beings having a spirit, soul, and a body. With all 3 things being in order, I was living life backwards. I was mostly concerned with my body, my soul, and completely ignorant to my spirit. In other words, I wasn’t seeing what God was wanting to do in me, and through me at the time.

God wanted a relationship with me so bad, and I was blind to Him because I was searching for fulfillment in a relationship with a guy rather than with the Lord. It went so far that I started to change who I was, on the inside and out, to make a guy start to like me.

The Lord has shown me multiple things since I’ve began to follow Him. One of these things is, teaching me that I’m overly concerned with finding a relationship with someone but not nearly as concerned about my relationship with the Lord Himself. If I continue to live this way, how will I ever find the person God wants me to be with to walk with and glorify His name? It will be absolutely impossible to do so if I ignored the spirit and chose to search for someone on my own timing, and accordance.

So what am I trying to say here? It’s a sad life to live when we forget about the Lord who loves us and rules ours hearts. We’ll never be content with ourselves if we look to humans to satisfy our needs. When we choose to walk around with our heads down and wondering why can’t we be happy with ourselves, let’s consider having a relationship Him and Him being in the picture. When you let God in, and make Him the most important aspect of your life, everything you’ve been searching for will be given to you, because He knows your very best interests at heart.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s