I need to know Him better

I need to know Him better.

I just do. I still can’t seem to love myself, or treat myself the way I should. But if Jesus is in me, and I am made in HIS image, then why can’t I love who I am.

So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

I’m still holding onto something from the past. I’m still holding on to what others have said about me, or said to me regarding who I am.

I’m still holding onto the times where my heart was broken, onto the times where I lost certain relationships. 

I’m still holding onto the girl who didn’t allow herself to eat, and now that she does, she is worthless. She should feel guilty.

But that’s not fair, and that’s not what God would want.

I have good days, and I have bad. But when the bad days come, I start to lose sight of who I am, and who God’s made me as. I also feel that my good days are strongly determined by my eating and exercise. That’s messed up. That shouldn’t be a thing.

I want to relive the days of my childhood where being fed was a time of joy, and the times where I wasn’t being fed were spent doing things I loved to do. I want to have many close friends, and cherish those friendships. I miss those days where, I just didn’t give a crap about how my body looked. It shouldn’t matter. I want to be content in any circumstance because God says it in His word to be content. Whether I’m hungry OR full.

This constant, daily thing with food is just unbearable. I can’t seem to recognize who I am anymore. When I think of myself, all I can think of is the girl who is obsessed with what she eats, when she eats, how much she eats, and how much she bullies herself for eating.

Today I had a slice of apple cake, and so I did yesterday. Today, I am displeased with myself and feel disgusted at how I could have eaten 2 pieces of this cake in the same 48 hours.

But then I think, about how God has already approved of it. He’s already said, it’s okay.

 

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