Okay, so a few months ago I wrote a blog titled “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do this.” Which was basically me trying to say : If I’m trying to recover from this eating disorder, then I’m going to recover from this eating disorder.
In those short few months, lot’s has happened.
I moved away from home. I began nursing school. I started a new job. I’ve met new people who are so, so supportive of my eating issues but I STILL, cannot seem to brake my habits.
I’m constantly, 24’7, thinking about food and exercise. And I will plan what I’m going to have without giving it much thought, and will act on the thought immediately. For example, on tuesday afternoon I came home from school once I finished class. I was home around 10:30 a.m, planning to have lunch around noon. I also had a smoothie for breakfast, which consisted of a new protein powder I had purchased, and frozen fruit. Without giving it any thought, I started cutting up an apple and had a spoonful of peanut butter with it. Okay, nothing wrong with that. Then I decided I’m going to pop into the fridge and cut up marble cheese squares (which I rarely have/crave), a handful of grapes, and 4 crackers. Again, nothing wrong with that either. Then I decided I’m going to have a bowl of soup. And more crackers, oh and then some pillsbury cookies I made on the weekend, I had about 4 of those. So after having that I did my very best to focus on the task I was originally going to do when I got home, which was to study. My guess is that, I was already stressed about my study session that I decided to stall by eating.
Yesterday, I basically did the same thing, except my friend Sarah was over at my house as we were studying. Prior to her coming over, I had a bowl of soup with some triscuits. Then I cut up 2 apples and had them with a spoonful of peanut butter. Then, I offered Sarah a cookie and she said no because she just had subway, so I ate 3 or 4. I wasn’t hungry at all for them, but again I felt compelled to having them. I broke down and cried, I told her I don’t know what to do anymore about my eating issues. I can’t seem understand my problems related to food, but I’m starting to lose hope. My landlord walked through the door as I was crying. She noticed my tears and asked what was wrong. I explained, and she suggested I go to the hospital where they could offer me support and resources to overcome this issue.
I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. And I won’t be. God wouldn’t allow that. I know that He wants me to get better, so that I can help Him to help someone else.
But right now, I need help. I want to take full responsibility for this, as it is nobody’s fault. It’s something that can no longer be put aside. I’ve got to get help.
Questions I consider are:
- Am I using food to cover up something I am unaware of?
- Why do I keep comparing my diet to the person beside me?
- Why do I try to follow what other’s do in terms of their diet and physical exercise.
I go back and forth constantly trying to figure out these answers to these questions, and I am continuously led back to my childhood experiences, and my teenage years.
When I was a child, I had loving parents who fed me well. They would never allow me starve, and would barely comment on my choice of foods. They allowed me to eat what I wanted to, without any questions. I wasn’t enrolled in sports. Didn’t partake in any kind of physical activity, other than swimming and gymnastics which weren’t for very long. I did however, love to be with my friends. I would love to spend time with them, no matter what the activity. If we just hangout at each other’s house, or went to the mall, or a walk or bike ride. It didn’t matter, I just loved spending time with them. And same goes with family. I would put family and friends above anything else. But now that I am older, I’ve noticed how I’ve put exercise and food above them. I’ve placed such an importance on the food that I eat, that I will actually avoid seeing friends and family if I know I don’t have the control of what I’m going to have. I will also debate whether or not I’m going to spend time with friends and family, based on what were going. If were planning on sitting around and doing nothing, I tell myself I’ve got to work out ahead of time. This is so so twisted and I just want to be free. I want to be free of this disorder.
Here is a poem I wrote while I was in greece, to describe how the eating disorder(the enemy) has interfered with God’s love for me.
When I was three feet tall you were all I knew,
I would hear your voice and always obey you
As Your child I did what I was told,
And as my Father, Your hand was mine to hold
As I breathed You in, Your joy was a reflection
Of that love that You had given me,
A sign of Your perfection
I would sing songs in my crib,
And You would smile at my face,
You could see your light shining through me
With an abundance of Your grace
You handed me these gifts,
And I had put them to good use.
To laugh and to love,
To dance, and to draw
To create and inspire,
to sing in school choir.
I am three feet tall, and You are all I know
But there will be a season where I begin to grow.
I will start to lose sight of the things I have seen,
Because of this world, and how it’s so unclean.
When I was five feet tall, I had entered a season,
Where looks became important, and society was the reason.
Formed opinions by my friends began to overrule,
So much, to the extent, where I was their footstool.
I would try to avoid, and brush off the hate,
But at the time I was lost, and couldn’t think straight.
I would cry and feel bad, that my hope had disappeared,
And the happiness I felt, had turned into tears.
I could not understand, the things of this season
But I knew that it was happening, for a good reason.
I knew there was a God, but my eyes were still shut,
So as the years would pass by, I was stuck in a rut.
Another voice who I heard, would speak into my ear,
And I began to wonder, who is this that I hear?
This voice would utter things, that would make me feel low,
So I was solely convinced, that I could no longer grow.
In moment’s where I smiled, he’d begin to whisper lies,
Saying that I’m worthless, and worthy of no prize.
As the light in me decreased, so did all my skin,
I was shedding down the body, I was happily living in.
My days were instructed,
By rules and restrictions.
And instead of living a Christ filled life,
I was prisoned with conviction.
Daily I would stumble,
But I would pray that I could wait,
I remembered that there is God,
Who can make my paths straight
I was cleansed and renewed,
By the assistance of my pastor.
But truthfully it was His spirit,
Who had saved be from disaster.
I spent days and nights weeping,
In unbearable pain.
All I could feel was sin,
Flowing through my veins.
I called on the Lord during the darkest of nights,
He told me to repent,
and He’ll restore all of my sight.
So I handed Him my sin, all my guilt and all my shame.
I said, “God, I will honor You always, forever in Your name”.
I told a few others, the pain that I was feeling,
And by their answered prayers, soon began the healing.