If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do this.

We crave love. It’s a human need. And often times I wonder if I’m seeking love from the wrong sources. For the last 5 years of my life, I have spent countless hours on working on my physical self. Making sure I am in tip top shape at all times, either by making sure I am being as physically active as possible, or making sure my diet is absolutely perfect. I don’t exaggerate when I say absolutely perfect because I have seriously cried over having one extra cracker or the last sip of an iced coffee. The enemy whispers ” you’re seriously going to finish that? You told yourself you were only going to drink part”.

But the more and more I grow and mature in Christ, I start to see how the enemy alters the idea of where love comes from. Love does not come from the praise from other people. It may surely seem like it, as the continuous “likes” from a recent selfie I posted on Facebook start to roll in, but that is a terrible, just terrible and twisted idea of what love is.

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Okay, take this for example. This week, I posted the most recent picture of myself. Smiling, looking pretty happy and content with life, right? Oh, how a picture can fool others, including the one whose posting it.

I was merely convinced that I should feel loved/happy after uploading this picture to Facebook and seeing the comments from family and friends. It’s a quick and temporary fix  for all of my shame and guilt I’ve had over the last few weeks. And it’s been an on going cycle since I was 15, that I would constantly believe love comes from the approval, and praise of people.

I’ve learned through multiple episodes of crying and panicking over eating out of boredom, eating out of shame, eating while no one’s watching, eating while darn right I know I could be doing something else, I’ve got to change my behaviour, and thought patterns.

When I say this, I don’t mean I need to start finding ways to restrict myself from certain foods again. I also don’t mean that I need to join a gym, or partake in a sport or some kind of physical activity. That will only lead me back to square one, where  I was addicted to making my outer appearance look perfect. I would only become stuck seeking self-glorification rather than seeking His kingdom.

Praying is the key to all of this. I know that for a fact. It takes spiritual maturity to recognize that I need to pray before making decisions, and not just around eating. It’s a daily exercise I can only get better at with practice, and through past failures, I can see that it is a vital component of my life on earth.

I am fearfully, and wonderfully made in the image of God. I can only be what He wants me to be by grabbing a hold of this devil inside of me and telling him that God has already won the battle, and his attempts at trying to bring me down will only get harder as I continuously listen to God’s voice. Soon, the devil will flee, but only if I continue to resist his temptation.

I am 19 years old, I am almost turning 20.   I am ready to see what kind of woman God had intended me to be. I am off to nursing school in September. I am going to be helping others .Other people will become the focus, I will become less and God will become more.Yes I have made mistakes and yes I have made impulsive decisions and yes I recognize that I could have hurt others, but I can feel God’s touch upon my shoulder today, as He says “Sara, it is okay. I know your heart. I have forgiven you. Put the shame a guilt away. I will always love you. Just follow me. It’s easy.”

 

 

 

 

 

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