It’s a cold one out there today, where did all this snow even come from?! I could have been positive it was going to be an early spring just over a week ago.
So today I have so much to talk about, and I hope I can get through this without boring any of you.
I’ve been thinking so many things lately about food, God, relationships, school, passions, the future, everything. But if there is one thing that keeps me going throughout all things is, giving credit to God for what he has done in our lives.
When I was 16 years old, I was ready to give up on life. And by giving up, I mean I truly didn’t feel a purpose for me for being on this earth anymore. It’s crazy to think that just 3 short years years ago, I was on the verge of dying due to an excessive amount of exercise and the very little amount of food I was putting into my body. I still get upset about it sometimes when I think back to that time in my life, but I have to come to also realize that had I not gone through what I did, I would not have this amazing relationship with the Lord that I do at this very moment.
I’ve been also thinking about eating disorders in general, how the begin and what kind of stigma is around them. As a current employee of one of the largest fast food places in the world, McDonald’s, I see people come in and out constantly ordering food. I used to have a very negative habit of judging if whether or not someone who orders could have an eating disorder, based on what they order and what they look like. Some orders range from something as little as a small latte with skim milk instead of %2, and other to a larger sized Angus meal with a side of poutine and extra gravy.The idea of whether or not someone may have an eating disorder pops into my head based off of what they’re ordering, and what they’re outer appearance looks like because at one point, I was the girl who would order the skim milk latte with no whip, no extra syrups, and defiantly no food to go along with it. It is crazy to me how even though I wasn’t “skin and bones”, I was being controlled by the exact same mental illness as someone who would be classified as “anorexic” based off their outer appearance. It honestly scares me to think that we live in a world where we have no idea what any of us are going through, but I know that without God, I would not be where I am today.
I’m at a stage in my life now where God is the main priority, and this is huge for me. I often think back to times where nothing else could occupy my mind but exercise and food. I still urge those temptations of working out, knowing that in the end working out cannot amount to the same kind of joy and contentment that seeking out the Lord does. Yesterday was family day, and also a day of trials, victories, and disappointments. But the key thing is that there was victory involved. When I was at work, I had troubles with worrying about what I was going to eat after my shift, and what I had eaten before my shift. I had also been worrying about the amount of sleep I had, as this has been one of the biggest struggles since my eating disorder has “come to life”. A lot of unnecessary thoughts and anxiety happens when I don’t feel that I have control over how my day goes, and it was getting under my skin a little bit. Before I went to bed on Sunday, my mom asked if she could make a nice breakfast before I go to work, but I felt that I couldn’t eat a “big” breakfast before my 7 a.m shift, because it was “too early”, so I said no thank you. She then suggested she could make something after my shift, and I didn’t want to refuse her kind offer so I said “possibly”, and when I came home, she had a plate with a begin waffle, some whipped cream, thawed berries, bacon and a hash brown with my name on it. There’s no doubt in my mind that I had thoughts during my shift about the “unknown” breakfast I would either accept or decline once I got home, but I am thankful that God had given me the strength and grace to be able to eat the food without feeling guilty afterwards.
After the meal, my family and I went for a lovely walk in a nature area with my dog. It was honestly one of the nicest times as a family we’ve had together. Exploring nature, embracing the outdoors and the winter weather, laughing, taking some nice photos, looking at the trees and how gracefully they stood. I couldn’t possibly imagine a better time.
After the walk, we went home and my mom pulled out some of her freshly baked banana chocolate chip bread from the oven. It was still warm, and she asked if I would like any. Out of habit, I atomically said no at first. Whenever I am asked to eat something that Ed says is too much, I just blurt out the word “no” without thinking about it. But after taking off my coat, I decided I’d give the bread a try.
This is where things started to crumble. I started to feel as if I had eaten too much, as if I was going to blow up into a balloon. I had all of these thoughts, thinking that I am “fat”, or I am a “failure”. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and told myself I had to makes sure I would work-out after studying.
About 2 hours later, I felt that I needed to work-out. My body was in no rush to do so, because I was tired, and seriously just was not in any mood to workout. As I have done before, I forcefully made myself hop on the treadmill and run. Keep in mind there was no “desire” to workout, but I followed through with it anyways. As I ran, I listen to some christian worship music, and to be honest it made me want to get off the treadmill more than ever. I began to cry, and also began to pray. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t right, I knew that my issues with eating and exercise and negative behaviours would not be resolved by working out. I began to use prior knowledge from experience, knowing that working out would not solve my issues, but turning my heart over to the Lord and reading his Word would.
So I got off the treadmill, raced down the stairs into my mothers arms, hugged her, cried with her, and told her “Mom, I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life”, she held me and kissed my forehead and said “You won’t be like this for the rest of your life, you won’t be”. I asked her if she wanted to do a bible study with me, so she began to read Timothy from the bible and we read and reflected on it. This was way better than running on the treadmill.
Later that evening, I attended Monday night church with a few of my really good friends. We love going to this church, it’s amazing how many young people attend, and the people who work so hard to put everything together do an incredible job at what they do. Last night was acoustic night, it was so beautiful and peaceful, and the message that was said last night was just as beautiful as the music being played throughout the service.
As I grow, as I face more and more really hard days, I begin to realize how God has been present throughout everything. He was there during the really rough days, the days where I was a slave to death. He was there when I began to overcome some of the rough times, and He is here with me right now as I right this with encouragement from Him, knowing that I could be helping someone right now. He is incredible, He is a good, good God, and deserves all the credit in this world.
Sure, I can think proudly of myself for all that I’ve overcome and faced over the last few years, but in reality, the strength I had was much more than my own. God was there, and poured His love into me when I was completely empty. He washed away a lot of the pain and shame I once had, and allowed me to become more strong, more wise, or more capable of doing things I didn’t think I could do.
God works in mysterious ways, and although we may not understand it, we just have to trust Him and obey Him. He is so good.
That’s all for today guys, I hope you all have a wonderful week and stay warm!<3