December 15, 2015

This pain

This pain I carry around hurts.

I can’t think, I can’t focus, I can’t do anything.

I look around me and I see all of these people, living, laughing, enjoying what’s around them. Then I think of me. Ashamed, sad, angry, and hopeless. I feel like I did this to myself. How could I have done this? How could I let myself go like this? Who could possibly be feeling the way that I do, no would would ever do this to themselves. I feel discomfort. I feel completely unsatisfied how I physically feel 24/7. I could be feeling really empty, half empty, or completely bursting like a balloon. No matter what I feel on the inside, I am uncomfortable.I could point fingers, I could say that this is how I was biologically made. I  could consider my genes, but in reality, this is me as an individual. I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of recovering to do. I don’t want to be like this forever. I don’t want to continue to live with this pain, and carry around with me everywhere I go. My parents probably don’t even recognize the girl they raised, because Ed took her away. Ed is awful and full of sin, and he always tries to weave his way through my thoughts, to “correct” Sara thoughts into his own. He makes me feel like no matter what I eat and don’t exercise, that I’m going to become somebody that wouldn’t be acceptable in today’s society. He makes me feel like I am a loser no matter what. If I please him, he’s happy and I’m not. If I don’t please him, he’s unhappy, and I am not. Do you see what he does? He takes away the happiness I once had and developed over my life through the grace of God, my loving family and  friends. He tries to take it all away, but I won’t let him. It’s a tug of war. He’s pulling harder and harder and I’m using all of my strength to pull back. I may have lost at tug of war with human’s, but Ed is not human. Who even is Ed? Who does he think he is? If he promises me of all of these things, why don’t I feel them? God has promised things, in which is reveals in many ways. But Ed uses tricks and lies to make me believe him, and to be persuaded by him. I can’t let him win. I can’t let him win.

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