Well, today I went to lunch with my amazing dad. He came all the way to see me from home, about 45 minutes away. I’m not sure what happened today, but I completely lost my balance.
We went for lunch, and prior to lunch I was already panicking about what I was about to eat. I had a bowl of corn flakes prior to lunch because I had some homework to do and needed some food, and I really wasn’t trying to purposely skip breakfast to have a “big” lunch. The milk in the cereal really didn’t sit too well with my stomach, so I was already feeling a little gross. We went to lunch and my dad suggested wings. I know I like wings, but Ed doesn’t, and therefore I don’t allow myself to have them. I was feeling a little anxious before lunch because I didn’t know where we were going to go and what the menu was going to have, but I told myself it’s okay, this is going to be a good day regardless of the menu options. I told myself “food is food”, but I still couldn’t let myself go.
We ended up at a place that served nachos and shepherds pie. We ended up splitting both. After digging into the nachos, I told myself I needed no more food. But, my dad felt bad just having nachos after coming all the way from kitchener to see me just to split nachos, but Ed was excited knowing that all I was going to have is nachos. My dad asked the waitress how big the shepherds pie was, and she said it was pretty big so we decided on sharing it. You can just imagine how anxious I was leading up to this point. I did’t want to just say no, because I know that nachos isn’t enough. So we split the shepherds pie, and I had some feelings afterwards that could have been just feelings, and not actually true. I felt that, I was going to gain weight, that my stomach was going look bigger after eating this, that I have no self control, that I let myself go for no reason, that I’m going to look fat forever. I wish these stupid, ugly thoughts would leave my head. Later on, we went and picked up some pastries from a little market in the mall for my step mom and I got one to take home, it came with a tea which I thought would make my stomach feel better, but it only made things worse. My stomach was hurting and so was my head and I felt terrible to have let myself get so worked up over the food I ate today. I didn’t feel present with my dad at all, so I ended up so much guilt. As we drove home, he could tell where my head was at. He offered to take me home, back to my real home and I said it was okay because I have class tomorrow morning, and I don’t want this to overrule any other important areas of my life. It’s done enough of that in the past. I went home, tried to do some homework, I took a nap which felt slightly better afterwards, and then continued on some homework. I missed out on my church group tonight, but I knew I that I needed to take a step back and relax. I was a little disappointed that I missed out on it, and still am, but I know that this is all happening for a reason, and that I am going to take whatever lesson I can get from this whole experience. I don’t want to be like this forever, and I don’t want to keep separating myself from everyone else. I want to wake up and go about my day like a “normal” person would, and not think about food all the time. It’s hard not to, after experiencing an eating disorder. It’s hard not to, having this mental illness. It’s hard not to, when it’s been the centre of my world for years. I can’t help but think about what I am going to consume next. I try hard to not think about it, and sometimes that backfires when I try to ignore food as a whole. I will overcome this, and if I don’t, I will have progressed more and more each day. With time, and with God, I will become stronger.
Here is something i found tonight on an eating disorder blog, it relates to me so much right now.I didn’t write this, so whoever did write this I give all credit to you, and thanks to you because this really speaks to me for the time being.
I’m not sure how I got to this very dark place.
And I’m even less sure how to navigate my way out of it.
I’m also not sure why I feel so worthless, like such a burden and so alone.
And I’m even less sure how to go about ridding myself of these feelings.
What I AM sure of, however, is how much I need you tonight.
I need a strong shoulder to cry on.
I need a voice I can trust to tell me everything’s going to be alright.
I need reassurance that the sun will come up tomorrow.
I need to be reminded that I’m good enough – “as is”.
I need a heart so filled with love that it has no space to be ashamed of me.
I need to know that, despite all that’s happened, I’m not a disappointment.
I need someone to check under the bed and in the closet the way you once did when I was little and tell me it’s safe for me to go sleep.
I need to know I’m someone’s pride and joy – your pride and joy.
I need someone who will listen without judging me.
I need to know that I’m loved and that I matter.
I need you to show me the truth about me – again and again and again – until I can see it myself.
I need YOU, Dad.
I need you to hold hope for me.
I need you to light the way, to take my hand and walk with me out of this darkness.
I need to know I’m not alone in this fight.
Your 19 Year Old “Little Girl”