Good evening everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying your Thursday, I’m extremley exhausted and promise you I will go to bed after this post, 8 a.m classes on friday are not my favourite!
I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about, well, pretty much everything. Everything that has been going on and every person that I’ve come across and how each person has made some sort of difference in my life, but also has made me realize that I am no different than a “normal” human being.
For the past few years, I’ve seperated myself in a different category in the human race. I think this is because my eating disorder has become something that I often beleive seperates me from others, which in a way is true, because not everything has the same thinking patterns/brains/genetics/ect. But I think that, in order to overcome my fears in certain situations, I need to tell myself that I am no different.
Sometimes, I tell myself that I can’t handle certain social interactions because, I’ve had an eating disorder. Sometimes, I tell myself that I can’t do a presentation because I haven’t had the same amount of expereince of most of the people my age, because I’ve had an eating disorder. Sometimes, I even tell myself that I can’t buy clothes, or have certain hobbies, because I’ve had an eating disorder. I often think that there is no point in buying clothes because I might change in size quickly (not true). That there is really nothing that intrests me, or that I am good at because instead of practicing something or picking up a hobby, my eating disorder replaced that time (not true). It’s never too late to pick up a new hobby.You could be an elderly man picking up a guitar for the first time and play just fine. It’s never too late.
Sometimes I set the bar low for myself because I feel that I’m not as signifacant as other people. For example, I always want to be organized and have colour coated notebooks for school and to do my hair nice everyday, and spend a fully day watching t.v shows, but I tell myself that “it’s just me, I don’t deserve to do that”, or “this would be ideal for someone else who has their life more put together than me, but since I don’t there is no point in trying/doing this”. It’s incredible how much I bully myself, I put myself down more than anyone else ever has.
Things I want to work on:
This whole topic is something I want to work on, in order to fulfill my dreams, but there are some other things I really want to work on for the long term.
- Grow in my faith. Learning more about God only makes me more eager to learn more about God. I find it all so amazing, inspiring and motivating, and beleive it or not but it brings out the absolute best in me when I learn about how God is with me every moment of everyday. It keeps me curious, and open minded, and less likely to judge others because I can understand why a person may feel the way that they do
- Slow down. I need to do this, I feel that I am always rushing to get thngs done, I’m always keeping conversations short to complete a certain task. What is the rush?
- Stay connected with others. I truely feel empitness when I don’t talk to people for a long time, and I feel guilty for it too. I want to hold close connections with people always, and not just certain times of the year or when something big happens.
- Get rid of my distractions- I’ve made a blog about this before about instagramming and how it can be a distraction to some of us, but I truely want to toss in the towel and start doing things that keep me constantly alert, and learning. I don’t want to base my life around social media, because to me it is a very unhealthy way of living out to be the person I’m striving to be
Letting obstacles get in the way of getting to where I want to be will only set myself up for a disaster. I have realized what causes me to fear things, and will work on them everyday until I reach a point where I don’t feel different or afraid.
Until nexy time,