Let it go

I think this is very important for those who have had an eating disorder, or who believe they still do. For me, it took me so long to realize that even when I was physcially recovered, the mental part of an eating disorder wouldn’t disapear, because I couldn’t let go of it.

For just over 2 years now, I thought I have been “recovering” from my eating disorder that came into my life at the age of 15. When I was 16, I was able to seek help and support from professionals, friends, family, ect, once the word was out.

The facility that I was going to was not helpful for me, so I decided I would take action and self-recover. This was tough, espeically not having many guidlines as to what I should and shouldn’t be intaking. I didn’t think it mattered, but I would constantly compare myself to others around me, and make sure I was eating no more than what they would eat.

But after many months of trial and error, I can officially say that I no longer carry the same behaviours I had when my eating was disordered. I have learned more about the benefit of eating, not just for our bodie’s but how it can create strong relatonships between eachother, which is so important  in my eyes.

I think that a lot of my struggles recently have been due to the fact that I consider myself “in recovery”, when infact I am recovered. I’m not saying that I never ever ever have thoughts about food, excercise, calories, ect. But, I am saying that I will eat loads of calories in a day, and I’ll eat less than some days, but I won’t behave the same way as I used too, and I will trust the food and what it’s doing for me a lot more than what I would during eating disorder days.

A lot of the anxiety and overthinking that comes with eating for me stems from the past. I continously think that I’m the girl with or used to have an eating disorder, so eating this or drinking this will have a different effect on me than others. Therefore, I can’t enjoy what I’m about to have because, I’ve had an eating disorder. This does have SOME truth to it, because it’s biological and in my brain, but at the end of the day it really comes down to getting yourself to think that you are recovered, and don’t need to worry about your past. The past is old news, it doesn’t define you, so why should you let something that happened in your past (in this case your eating disorder) determine your eating today.

You are just as deserving, strong and capable of enjoying food regardless if you’ve struggled with eating before. Learn to let go of it, as it is not something that benefits you in any way. You can now live the life you’ve been waiting for this whole time during recovery. Don’t define the rest of your life after an eating disorder as “in recovery”, you’ve recovered, time to let go and move on and become stronger than ever.

I tend to use my eating disorder as the defintion of who I’ve become, and why I am the way I am. But I think that instead, I should use my eating disorder as a guide to helping others, almost like an old book on a shelf I can pull out when someone is in need. I don’t need to look at the book all the time, I could leave it on the shelf for years until picking it up again to find some information of what to do and what not to do, I just don’t want it to be a part of me, I want to be known for much more than the dark place I was in as a teen.

It’s going to be tough, but believe me, letting go will help you become everything you would have never thought you’d be, because you are no longer definded by your disorder, but instead by the wonder human being you’ve fought to become.

 

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