I have been thinking so much lately about the personal relationship I have with my eating disorder (Ed), and how much he has abused me, and many other women and men in the world, and for some reason I can’t seem to understand why we have such a love/hate relationship with Ed, even though he cheats on us. To think about it, Ed has said the exact same things, or simlar things to all of the people he has dated. He reels you in quite smoothly, and casts you under his spell so to speak. At some point, you begin to forget who you are, because Ed has made you fall deeply inlove with him, he becomes the centre of your world.
For some reason lately I have been thinking so much about how my eating disorder developed, and how worried I am that people are going to think it was a choice. It was not at all a “choice”, although I did make choices based on what Ed was asking. But I wanted to talk more about how my eating disorder has changed me, and what I can take from it all.
- Confidence- once I knew that Ed was ruining my life, I chose to opt out of what he was asking of me. This took a lot of time, courage, acceptance, anger, patience, ect. It was not an easy process. But since I have overcome some of my biggest struggles, I can smile, like ACTUALLY smile, not a fake smile that Ed would disguise himself with. I feel like for once, I can say that I did something bigger and better for myself and for others.
- Helping others- I have come across a few people who had the courage to share their story’s with me about similar struggles they faced with Ed. It’s amazing how much I can relate to them, and how much I know from my experience that can help them find a sense of hope and a better outlook as they begin to recover, or still in their process of recovering.
- God- The one and only person who I turn to, the person I have committed myself to, because he has been by my side this whole time. I felt that I was being punished by having an eating disorder. I truely had the idea that it was God’s way of saying “you disobeyed me, so now you can suffer”. But God wasn’t the one speaking, it was satan.I don’t think my relationship with God would have gotten any better had I not gone through anorexia. God lead me to him, through out this whole journey. I am thrilled to see where God wants to take me throughout the rest of my life on earth, and I’m holding out my hand for him to lead the rest of the way.
- Friends- the journey itself is what lead me to some really amazing, one of kind, friendships. It’s a blessing to be able to have such caring and compassionate people in your life. I feel so lucky to have met these inspiring people.
- A story to share- honestly, I think everybody needs a story. It doesn’t need to be specific, nor does it need to be positive. A story can have some really great parts and some really sad ones, but your story is something you can take with you wherever you go, and it’s up too you whether or not you want to share it with others. I personally think that we all should share our stories with eachother to understand how perfectly imperfect we all are, and I think that my story can be shared in order to help inspire, or help people understand the actual cause of eating disorders.