Hey guys, so today I had a thought that came to me as I was walking and enjoy the gorgeous weather today. Just about every time I go for a walk by myself, I use the time to reflect. I usually think about how lucky I am, or how much love I have in my life, but sometimes when I go on these really nice, and long walks, I think to myself “Why can’t I always have days like this?”. Today I came up with some idea’s of what can way somebody down, from feeling good on a regular basis
What are you consumed with?
For the majority of what I can remember, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my everything revolved around a common thing, body image. You can see how easily my eating disorder derived from having the consumption of my day weighted heavily upon thoughts about my body, and how imperfect I believed I was or am. You see, having thoughts like these all the time can really effect your mood, and it can effect something bigger, such as your future and what you are called to do. If we continue to focus on the wrong things, we won’t get to where we were called to be by God. He put us on earth to help others, but in order to help others we need to help ourselves. Consuming our thoughts with things that are not helpful, will make helping others very challenging. It took me so long to realize this, as I was blinded to things that my eating disorder had taken away from me. It took away some of the greatest things and opportunities that were right in front of me that I just couldn’t see, but today, I can say that I do see why what happened, happened. Sometimes you need to lose in order to win, if that means that I had to lose hope, or lose moments that I can no longer get back in order to reach a better and solid ground, then I will take it. After years of deprivation, it’s time that I unleash myself into the world as the Sara who doesn’t revolve her life around things that tear her down and make herself restrictions or rules. There shouldn’t have to be anymore sacrifices when it comes to food and exercise, there shouldn’t have to be any shame around it either. As I learned from some great pastors of the embassy, God has paid the price. I would wake up and tell myself I needed to make sure I went for a run no matter what type of day it was, no matter where I was, no matter how tired, or sick I was. It was stressful trying to plan this, if there wasn’t an appropriate time slot for a run, I would lose my balance and completely spiral downwards, thinking that I am so worthless. If I ate more than what I considered others eat during the day, same thing. Sometimes I’ll look at myself in the mirror and say “how come I look like this, how did I let myself look like this?” Do you know how hurtful that must be to God. He made us who we are, all made differently according to what he has in store for us, and we constantly diss him for what he has provided us with, if there is anything to feel ashamed of, I would feel the most shame for this reason. God doesn’t care if were black, blue, purple, pink, nor does he care if we are big, small, short, tall. He does however care about our self-worth, and joyfulness, and peace with ourselves, and if we are constantly displeased with how he created us and were constantly trying to change the way he made us, he will start to care! I once had myself at a dangerous, very unhealthy weight for my age and height. I was 16/17 at a weight of 99 lbs, I hardly had anything left on my bones for warmth and protection. God didn’t like to see me like this because it was hurting me mentally, physically, emotionally, I was dying. He needed me to realize this by going through some really hard triumphs and failures, and it wasn’t an easy process. The process continued for years, heck it’s still continuing! But I’m stronger than ever, and can take the experiences with me to keep as my own guide/manual, to know what not to do next time, or to prevent me from going down a slippery slope like I was doing since I was 15. This has been such an unexpected blog, and might seem confusing, but it feels so good. Thanks for reading, and I hope it all makes sense.
Until next time,