The reason I wanted to make this specific blog, backtobeingsara, was to help not only myself but others who are dealing with or have dealt with similar struggles like me. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder called anorexia was I was 16 years old, and I’m currently still on my mission of recovering from it. I have seeked treatment from professionals, as well as family and friends, and decided to self-recover. I wanted to take charge of my own life, and deal with it on my own. I’m not sure if this was the best choice, but I’ve always been the type to feel that being in control of myself is the best and sometimes the only option. It was hard, and still can be hard now, but I have gone through the worst parts of recovery only to find myself come out much stronger, much wiser, less obligated or eager to go back to my old ways. I fought through some of the hardest times of my life during recovery, some days I would have so much negative self talk, but it didn’t stop me from pushing through and knowing there was a brighter, positive side that sounded a lot more like me.
Eating Disorder’s(Ed)’s are terrible and completely false voices that have been stuck in my head and many other’s who have experienced an eating disorder. He takes over many parts of your life, and eventually takes over it entirely, to the point where you have nothing else to live for besides him. He abuses you not just mentally, but physically, and spiritually. Ed makes you believe that you are non deserving of a lot of things that other are deserving of, and what sucks so much about him is that he’ll do everything and anything to make you believe that, even after he leaves.
We, all, as individuals deserve the same things, and when it comes to food, our body’s need a variety of nutrients and energy supply whether it’s cereal, a donuts, a salad, pizza, a full sized banana, chocolate, potatoes, etc. We survive off of what makes up these things, some are considered to be “good” and some are considered to be “bad” but at the end of the day, there is no “bad” food for us, our body will take whatever it can get to make us who are we are, to live and to have energy in order to carry out our daily functions properly and people with eating disorders are bound to believe that they can survive without the energy, but it’s completely wrong, and scary to think.
For a very short period of time, I was at a state where I lost a lot of my body heat, my hair started to look brittle, my hands were very dry and my face was losing it’s color/glow, I was cold 24/7 and fell asleep in just about all my classes. I missed out on a lot of social events, family gatherings, anything that didn’t involve exercise or did involve food was an automatic red flag for me, I would avoid them at all costs. Looking back now I would consider myself a survivor, because I don’t know how I was able to function or to have a heart beat after all I deprived myself of and not only that but I was tested for my heart rate and they said I could have been hospitalized any minute, that if I were to run for even just 5 minutes, my heart could stop. From hearing those words it really made me take a step back and think, I’ve got to do something about this.
As scary as it was to have to put on weight, I knew it was the only way I could get myself feeling alive again. Not only that, but it would have helped my mental health by gaining back some of the things I had lost during my eating disorder, a healthy mind. It hurt me knowing that my goal of being thin was going to be taken away from me, but I’m happy that it was. I don’t consider myself overweight or underweight right now. I feel healthy, and that to me is a much better goal. I can still enjoy a lot of things that involve food, and socializing, and relaxing, and not being on my feet, running around all the time. It feels good, I feel strong.
Another thing I want to add is that I was terribly mistaken for a really long time, thinking that a certain people caused my eating disorder. There is no one to “blame” my eating disorder on because in fact, I was born biologically of being more likely to develop this kind of mental illness, it was brought to life by a certain situation that triggered it to come alive, but that is nobody’s fault, the people who were involved in the situation could have been anyone, it was just my mind and my own self. So, with that being said, I do NOT blame anyone for my eating disorder. This was something that happened to me, and it cannot be blamed on anyone who was involved in my life during that stage.