Smashing Pumpkins or Smashing Ed?

This week has been one hell of a rocky road for me. I am thankful of it though because each day has been a learning experience, so I am very blessed to have a week that has only helped me grow stronger and stronger.

Truthfully, I don’t feel amazing, but then again I don’t feel as anxious as I used to be after eating something I considered too much, or an unacceptable amount to have eaten. You see, during my year off of school, all I can remember was eating food and thinking I messed up, I had too much and I’ll have to make up for it by exercising or depriving myself in some way later on. It was very stressful, and time consuming, and to be honest I was only hurting myself by living that way.

So here I am today, right now, in this moment. I feel like I have eaten more than I should have by eaten 2 bowls of cheerios and a banana. Some people might think this is too much, and others might think it’s not enough. To me, it’s hard to tell. I have one voice in my head saying good job, you had a good breakfast, and another voice in my head saying “what the heck were you thinking, or were you not thinking at all?” I personally know that I didn’t put too much thought into my breakfast this morning because I woke up later than I normally would and just wanted to eat breakfast. Plain and simple. I wanted to eat because I know that my body would thank me afterwards, but right now I feel a little bad about, which is why I’m writing this out right now to see if i can justify my actions this morning, if I can tell myself that it’s okay what I did.

From a greater perspective I know what I had this morning was hardly a breakfast, but in the moment it seemed like a lot too me. I know that with time and effort these thoughts will slowly go away and I know that for a fact. I can already see so much improvement in myself since last year. I’m not as phased as I used to be by eating. There has got to me something in me that will completely¬†avoid Ed, and live for myself, I just haven’t gotten to that point yet.

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