My thoughts on a friday

Today has been a day of ups and downs, but like I learned in biology class, food that is considered to be “under saturated” is not completely unsaturated, it contains both saturated and unsaturated fat, just a higher percentage of unsaturated. So, I like to think of a day as a good day, even if it consists of a small percentage of bad. The reason behind my “bad” attitude toward today is because of the food. I woke up on sort of an anxious foot. I slept in longer than I normally do, and this caused for quite the turn for my day. I ended up eating a little more than what I consider “acceptable” for my breakfast, because I was a little anxious about what my day was going to turn out like. I pictured myself sitting for a long time because I had study plans with my friend Hannah who is honestly such a lovely girl. I was looking forward to studying but whenever I see a period of time where I’m sitting, I always think I need to make up for it by exercising a lot. I’ve had this way of thinking for a long time, but I really need to overcome this way of thinking. My mother for example, sits in her office chair daily for 8 hours straight sometimes, she has told me stories of her literally in her chair for 8 hours with no breaks because she’s so caught up in her work, she tries finding time for lunch but sometimes she cant find time to make for lunch, so she’ll make up for it when she gets home by satisfying any craving she’s having. To me, this sounds very normal, but in my head sometimes I think that if I were to be sitting that long I would get “fat”, or gain weight by it, which is not the case. I’m rambling on a little bit but my point is that, since I had this fear of getting fat from sitting with my friend to study, I started to become anxious and it effected the way I was eating. For me I am insanely proud of myself to have recognized this behavior because I think for a while I would blame eating as the cause for how my day was going to go, or how my day went. But, the reality is that it was my own fear of how my day was going to go that affected my eating. There is no right way of eating, there is no wrong way, but there are certain eating strategies that can strengthen you or can harm you. As we all know, we need food. And I’m not talking a couple of apple slices and tea. I’m talking, 3 meals, and snacks in between. To me, this sounds like a challenge because I have had days where I have literally ate next to nothing and still proceeded to live, but little did I know, that I was on the pathway to death. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was eating less, I was weighing less, I was feeling powerful and almost as if I could take on the world at that point. But how can someone become successful without proper fuel, or enough nourishment in their brain to be able to make good, thought out decisions, and ones that contained emotion. When I wasn’t feeding my brain right, I couldn’t think for myself. I was always thinking what other people were doing, like “If a gym rat eats this, I’ll look like them.. therefore, I must eat this” Wow, really Sara? Is that how things work? Because if they did work like this in our world, then I could literally use that way of thinking and convince myself that if I sing the same song Carrie Underwood sings, I’ll become a famous singer. Just become somebody else does something, does not mean that you’ll have the same outcome as them. That’s another thing I’m proud of myself for recognizing because I always thought that doing something someone else does will have the same effect on me. Totally wrong. It could have similar effects but in the end, we are all made differently and therefore there is no chance I will ever have the same ANYTHING as anybody else. It’s just life. I’m sorry for sounding so harsh, but I’m just getting so into this thought. This is seriously my first time recognizing these things and it’s really awesome. Another thing I would like to add is that sometimes we all need a little push by somebody. Whether its by a family or friend, or something you read. We all need a push to get us over that hump in recovery. Recovery begins off with reintroducing foods back into your life that were once considered fairly familiar to us, and then they start fading away during the eating disorder. But once they become reintroduced, your body starts to accept food again but just on really restrictive circumstances. Sometimes we need that push by something or someone that says we can have these foods everyday if we wanted too. Any time of day, doesn’t need to be planned, it can be spontaneous and just as enjoyable as it would if you had planned it out according to your calorie count or exercise routine. Sometimes we think we don’t deserve food, or that it will make us weak. Wrong Why would food, the nutrients that give our cells energy and nourishment and protection and regulation of our body temperature make us weak? What makes us weak is depriving ourselves from what keeps us alive. Think of it in a way where, if I don’t eat this.. what will happen to me? If I do eat this, what will happen to me? If I eat this, I’ll strong, I’ll be healthy, and I’ll be on the right track. If I don’t eat this, will I develop similar habits I used to have when I wouldn’t eat? Think about how depriving yourself even just once, could possibly lead to more deprivation in the future. I say this because I have done this countless times, its called relapsing. I have told myself that I have lived through everything possible an eating disorder can serve to it’s victim, but thee may be a lot of things that I have yet to experience that others have. All I know is that I have learned lot about myself through the whole shebang and if there’s anything I can take from it is that, food is not the enemy, for it is something that we need, and if there are any underlying issues in your life that you have, try to identify those issues beforehand, so that it does not affect your relationship with food, and if you can’t figure out the cause between the issue around food, talk to people, talk to friends, family, mentors, guider’s, anyone. I say this wholeheartedly, you will overcome this.

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