October 7, 2015

Then v.s Now

The point of this post is to compare myself from one of my darkest days to now. I And boy, how things have changed. I have had way worse days then the one written out below, but I never really wrote about them because on those days I felt so so dark and wasn’t physically capable of writing, nor was I in any mental state to write things out. But, I managed to find one example of a dark time I had written this past summer, during my self recovery from my eating disorder than began back in 2012. It blows my mind mind reading back to this, and thinking how not only have I grown and changed from this experience, having realized how going through such a dark, and rough time, only helped me grow and overcome days like these where I can finally say that I haven’t had a day like this in so long, but I have also realized how God intervenes in order to save us from ourselves. His plan all along was to teach me more about myself, and remind myself of my self-worth. He wanted me to go through some really messy recovery days so that I would be able to handle every other day. He is truly amazing that way because he wants us to feel some sort of emotion, such as pain, or sadness for our own sake. I never wanted to have one of these kinds of days again, and God didn’t want me to either, he knew it would make a significant impact on my life and it was up to me to stop giving into temptation of the devil. He really challenged me, and I was so ready to give my everything into overcoming the hardships and battles with Ed.  I have been absolutely amazed with myself over the last couple of weeks, being in a new city, you would think I would be overwhelmed and more tempted to change my eating habits, but I honestly think that being in new environment and surrounded by new people, and new places, it really takes away some of the dark, and triggering memories I would have back at home. A lot of the days that I would be upset with myself, would come from being in the same environment, having triggering thoughts of running on the treadmill or longer than one hour a day, walking into m kitchen and remembering that I had eaten everything I could find in one sitting, multiple times throughout the week, I would walk down the street and remember myself during my eating disorder I would run on the same street without any energy or desire to be running, but only for the sole purpose of wanting to be thin and under a healthy weight. A lot of the dark times I had back at home wouldn’t leave my mind, which I think plays a huge part in my recovery because it can be hard to recover when you’re constantly reminded of your past. Here, I feel like I have had some hard days but they are only getting better. And yes, we are allowed to fall down sometimes, sometimes we tend to relapse, but the most important thing and main thing that you need to remember is that you recovered from that lapse and got back up again. It will only get easier from here if you can identify what caused/triggered you to relapse, and what you can do to get back into your groove. Don’t stay stuck in a place where you aren’t doing things for yourself that make you happy. Another thing I want to talk about soon is the difference between real happiness and ed’s happiness. Both are very different but someone like me who listen’s to Ed’s voice tends to think it’s me whose talking, not him.

Today I felt was a really awesome day! I woke up around 6:30 am to the beautiful sound of my alarm clock(not so beautiful actually) but I was prepared to do so since I knew I had to be out of the house by 7 so that my mom could drive me to my friend Hannah’s, so that she could take us to school. Before we left, I had a bowl of cereal and an apple. In the car, I was really tired so I took a cat nap and got to Hannah’s house around 7:30. We left not to long after I got there, and again, I purposely tried to sleep on the way because I was so tired, but I also felt bad that Hannah was driving and I wasn’t keeping her company by talking. Hannah is the type of person though that wouldn’t mind if I fell asleep, she’s really easy going and understanding. We finally got to my street, and I dropped my stuff off at my house. Once we got to the school, I walked Hannah to class and hit up the gym. I really enjoyed the gym today because it was practically empty and it was “me” time. I got to take my time there and do my own workout and had fun with it. After the gym, I went to get some food to take to math class because I knew I would have felt hungry during the 2 hour lecture. I grabbed a chicken wrap full of veggies, cilantro sauce and some sort of spicy Buffalo type sauce, and some fruit. After math class, my friends and I went to the library to the study hall on our 1 hour break, we pretty much just talked the entire time because my laptop’s wifi wouldn’t connect so I couldn’t access any of my work, we also felt that we deserved a social our since we had 3, 2-hour lectures today and hardly had anytime to just talk with each other. These girls by the way are amazing, and really supportive. We all want to be nurses, and we are all encouraging each other each day at school, giving each other help when needed and just motivating each other. We all have our weak and strong areas so we all come together really well. Afterwards I had my credentials class which I really enjoy, and then biology. Before biology I went to the caf and grabbed an apple and some peanut m&m’s as a snack. I didn’t know if I really wanted the m&m’s, but i grabbed them anyways just in-case, and also I wanted to share them with the girls. During biology however, I ended p eating them all to myself. I couldn’t tell if I was eating them all out of stress, or enjoyment, I don’t often have them so maybe I was eating them out of excitement and pleasure. For about an hour after that, I had some negative thoughts. I was really hard on myself and couldn’t forgive myself for eating the whole package. The package of them were 210 cals per 40g, and I had 120g of them. I was trying to do the math in my head and came to a really silly conclusion that it was too many calories. I then thought about it some more and said, there is no such thing as ‘too many calories” if you enjoyed what you ate then who cares? Clearly your body enjoyed it, and clearly needed it. No matter what level of hunger, your body is thanking you for keeping it re-stocked or replenished, rather than empty. Once I talked myself out of the negative thoughts, I carried on with studying in the library by myself on chemistry. I felt really accomplished during my study time because I now have a better understanding of the material and prepared myself for an upcoming quiz. I also completed another assignment for my credentials class, so all in all I can say that I had a lot of good times today. It’s amazing how I altered my thinking, and changed the negative thinking to positive. I have overcome so many false thoughts about food, and that to me is a huge step at getting back to my normal self.

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Taken in the school washroom during study break! 🙂

Written below is a blog I had posted on this exact blog 3 months ago.

So, I don’t know about you, but for me I know that I love reading posts that give me some reassurance or hope. Seriously, sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed I read things that help me realize that everything will be okay. I’ll read positive quotes, listen to spiritual podcasts, talk to a friend or family member, go online and do some research, but I think the most important thing of all to do that should come first is to pray.

I had some negative thoughts hit me hard this weekend, for some reason I couldn’t get them out of my head, and currently I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. I have a feeling it started before the weekend, but I finally cracked on Friday after going out for lunch with my mom and Greek grandmother (YaiYai). We went to swiss chalet and I ordered a chicken Kaiser, with bacon, cheese, mayo, a special sauce and tomato. I also had a side of fries, so big I hardly could eat half. I told myself I wouldn’t order anything of the lighter options section of the menu because I wanted to feel like a regular person who orders off the regular menu, it was also very triggering being at this Swiss chalet because in the depths of being anorexic I would only eat off the fewer calorie section. After the meal I felt so full to a point where I just wanted to go home and lay down. I was so upset with myself because I thought I ruined the day by eating so much. I wanted to spend as much time with my Yaiyai as possible, but I couldn’t get my mind off of how much and what I ate. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap at her house, it still didn’t feel very refreshing, I could feel a bloated stomach and a horrible attitude, both of which I have experienced many times this year. I have done this thing where I eat so much, and then feel so upset and tell myself I just need to “sleep it off”, I don’t feel like communicating with anyone. Once we got home, I expressed to my mom how I was feeling, she said it was a lot of food but just to give it time. She said it was a lot at once, and I asked her If my stomach felt so bloated because of my body metabolizing everything all at once. She said yes, and that I’ll feel better if I drink some water. So I drank some water and tried my best to stop thinking so much about it. I went out to the grocery store with her later on that night, and when I got home I did a little workout in my basement. I felt sorta okay, but still couldn’t forgive myself for letting myself go like that. The next morning, I went to work and felt better, I had breakfast on my break which consisted of a bagel with peanut butter, some apple slices, and a green tea. I ordered an orange juice which I ended up putting in the fridge just because I was already drinking the tea. After work I went home and immediately told myself it was lunch time. I could have waited a bit, I could have taken off my uniform and got comfortable first and waited to see where my hunger takes me, but instead I made myself a small chicken salad, and some grapes. I told myself I needed a treat so I had a rice crispy square which I purchased from Starbucks earlier this week, after eating it I felt so ashamed. It was 240 calories, which I know isn’t a lot, but at the time felt like too much. (horrible way too think). I then went to a tractor pull with my family, where I couldn’t stop thinking about the rice crispy, I told my mom how I was feeling and she said not too worry, its just rice. it’s just rice. it’s just rice. it’s only 240 calories. It will be okay. But I couldn’t forgive myself. She said I needed to have something for dinner, and all there were was vendors at the tractor pull with pizza, fries, hamburgers, ice cream. I told myself I needed to eat dinner or else I might end up over eating later, So I had 2 slices of pizza and 2 scoops of ice-cream. I felt okay after (physically) but mentally my mind was still contaminated with negative thoughts. I wanted to go home so badly, so we drove back home. I closed my eyes the whole way back, tears started to come from my eyes, I couldn’t believe myself. I was so upset for letting myself lose control over my thoughts, why couldn’t I just enjoy my day like everyone else? It really hurt. I had plans with one of my best friends that day, she called on the way back asking to come over for a bit and I said sure. She heard it in the tone of my voice something was wrong but I tried playing it cool as if nothing was wrong, I felt silly being upset over my eating. Once I got home, Angela came over. We went for a little walk around my area, and then went back home to watch some t.v. I had some gold fish and crackers, an apple and peanut butter before bed. All night I felt some bloat, and this morning I could still feel it. I woke up and told myself I needed to have breakfast, so I had a bowl of cheerios, a banana and some orange juice. After this, I felt tired and went back to bed. Here I am again, laying down feeling sad, crying, wishing I would have waited because there was a breakfast before church which my family had asked me to go to. I ended up sleeping through it. Church was at 10:30 today, I was supposed to go, I wasn’t going to go at first because I was to upset, but I prayed and worked up the courage to go because I told myself I won’t be helping myself by not going. When I showed up, my mom was so happy. She burst-ed into tears and grabbed my hand as we sang a song with the rest of the church. I’m really glad I went, there was a good message today. After church we came home, I had some watermelon and went to the mall to get my eye brows done. When I got home I had some of my yaiyai’s home made Greek dessert, and then laid outside in the sun. After that, I took a shower and went for a bike ride by myself. When I came home my parents wanted to check out a nature path to walk on, but we ended up biking there instead. I felt like this was a lot of exercise, but told myself I might feel better afterwards after all the negative thoughts I was having the last few days about food. When we got home I did feel hungry, I was craving the left over BLT sandwich we had in the fridge from today, it was a half a bagel BLT I ate with some grapes. about an hour later my mom made home made burgers. I had one without the bun because I wasn’t very hungry, and some veggies. I then had a fruit yogurt frozen bar on a stick, and some tea. Although this sounds like a lot too eat in one day, I know my body needs it. My body needs to get used to the idea of eating food regularly. I tell myself this everyday to keep moving forward that by continuously eating, I’m getting closer and closer to the feelings of happiness towards eating and meal time. I’m getting closer to no longer feeling guilty about eating certain food, or guilty about eating something shortly after eating something else. I’m getting one step closer to filling out the shape of which my body used to look like. I’m getting one step closer to helping my mental health. I’m getting one step closer to accomplishing many other things because once I have a healthy balance/relationship with food, everything else will fall into place, because that is how I used to live before the disorder began. Having a healthy relationship with food means having a healthy relationship with myself, my friends, my family. It means finding other things to preoccupy my mind with, it means getting things done to help me become successful, it means being able to focus on important things, it means living life the way God wants, and the way I know is a lot healthier than how I used to live. I need to stop ignoring these issues and face them, writing them out like how I am doing now helps me understand what I am doing. Being bitter over this weekend will get my absolutely no where. Moving forward is the first step at getting rid of these negative thoughts.

SR.

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