So, I don’t know about you, but for me I know that I love reading posts that give me some reassurance or hope. Seriously, sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed I read things that help me realize that everything will be okay. I’ll read positive quotes, listen to spiritual podcasts, talk to a friend or family member, go online and do some research, but I think the most important thing of all to do that should come first is to pray.
I had some negative thoughts hit me hard this weekend, for some reason I couldn’t get them out of my head, and currently I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. I have a feeling it started before the weekend, but I finally cracked on Friday after going out for lunch with my mom and Greek grandmother (YaiYai). We went to swiss chalet and I ordered a chicken Kaiser, with bacon, cheese, mayo, a special sauce and tomato. I also had a side of fries, so big I hardly could eat half. I told myself I wouldn’t order anything of the lighter options section of the menu because I wanted to feel like a regular person who orders off the regular menu, it was also very triggering being at this Swiss chalet because in the depths of being anorexic I would only eat off the fewer calorie section. After the meal I felt so full to a point where I just wanted to go home and lay down. I was so upset with myself because I thought I ruined the day by eating so much. I wanted to spend as much time with my Yaiyai as possible, but I couldn’t get my mind off of how much and what I ate. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap at her house, it still didn’t feel very refreshing, I could feel a bloated stomach and a horrible attitude, both of which I have experienced many times this year. I have done this thing where I eat so much, and then feel so upset and tell myself I just need to “sleep it off”, I don’t feel like communicating with anyone. Once we got home, I expressed to my mom how I was feeling, she said it was a lot of food but just to give it time. She said it was a lot at once, and I asked her If my stomach felt so bloated because of my body metabolizing everything all at once. She said yes, and that I’ll feel better if I drink some water. So I drank some water and tried my best to stop thinking so much about it. I went out to the grocery store with her later on that night, and when I got home I did a little workout in my basement. I felt sorta okay, but still couldn’t forgive myself for letting myself go like that. The next morning, I went to work and felt better, I had breakfast on my break which consisted of a bagel with peanut butter, some apple slices, and a green tea. I ordered an orange juice which I ended up putting in the fridge just because I was already drinking the tea. After work I went home and immediately told myself it was lunch time. I could have waited a bit, I could have taken off my uniform and got comfortable first and waited to see where my hunger takes me, but instead I made myself a small chicken salad, and some grapes. I told myself I needed a treat so I had a rice crispy square which I purchased from Starbucks earlier this week, after eating it I felt so ashamed. It was 240 calories, which I know isn’t a lot, but at the time felt like too much. (horrible way too think). I then went to a tractor pull with my family, where I couldn’t stop thinking about the rice crispy, I told my mom how I was feeling and she said not too worry, its just rice. it’s just rice. it’s just rice. it’s only 240 calories. It will be okay. But I couldn’t forgive myself. She said I needed to have something for dinner, and all there were was vendors at the tractor pull with pizza, fries, hamburgers, ice cream. I told myself I needed to eat dinner or else I might end up over eating later, So I had 2 slices of pizza and 2 scoops of ice-cream. I felt okay after (physically) but mentally my mind was still contaminated with negative thoughts. I wanted to go home so badly, so we drove back home. I closed my eyes the whole way back, tears started to come from my eyes, I couldn’t believe myself. I was so upset for letting myself lose control over my thoughts, why couldn’t I just enjoy my day like everyone else? It really hurt. I had plans with one of my best friends that day, she called on the way back asking to come over for a bit and I said sure. She heard it in the tone of my voice something was wrong but I tried playing it cool as if nothing was wrong, I felt silly being upset over my eating. Once I got home, Angela came over. We went for a little walk around my area, and then went back home to watch some t.v. I had some gold fish and crackers, an apple and peanut butter before bed. All night I felt some bloat, and this morning I could still feel it. I woke up and told myself I needed to have breakfast, so I had a bowl of cheerios, a banana and some orange juice. After this, I felt tired and went back to bed. Here I am again, laying down feeling sad, crying, wishing I would have waited because there was a breakfast before church which my family had asked me to go to. I ended up sleeping through it. Church was at 10:30 today, I was supposed to go, I wasn’t going to go at first because I was to upset, but I prayed and worked up the courage to go because I told myself I won’t be helping myself by not going. When I showed up, my mom was so happy. She burst-ed into tears and grabbed my hand as we sang a song with the rest of the church. I’m really glad I went, there was a good message today. After church we came home, I had some watermelon and went to the mall to get my eye brows done. When I got home I had some of my yaiyai’s home made Greek dessert, and then laid outside in the sun. After that, I took a shower and went for a bike ride by myself. When I came home my parents wanted to check out a nature path to walk on, but we ended up biking there instead. I felt like this was a lot of exercise, but told myself I might feel better afterwards after all the negative thoughts I was having the last few days about food. When we got home I did feel hungry, I was craving the left over BLT sandwich we had in the fridge from today, it was a half a bagel BLT I ate with some grapes. about an hour later my mom made home made burgers. I had one without the bun because I wasn’t very hungry, and some veggies. I then had a fruit yogurt frozen bar on a stick, and some tea. Although this sounds like a lot too eat in one day, I know my body needs it. My body needs to get used to the idea of eating food regularly. I tell myself this everyday to keep moving forward that by continuously eating, I’m getting closer and closer to the feelings of happiness towards eating and meal time. I’m getting closer to no longer feeling guilty about eating certain food, or guilty about eating something shortly after eating something else. I’m getting one step closer to filling out the shape of which my body used to look like. I’m getting one step closer to helping my mental health. I’m getting one step closer to accomplishing many other things because once I have a healthy balance/relationship with food, everything else will fall into place, because that is how I used to live before the disorder began. Having a healthy relationship with food means having a healthy relationship with myself, my friends, my family. It means finding other things to preoccupy my mind with, it means getting things done to help me become successful, it means being able to focus on important things, it means living life the way God wants, and the way I know is a lot healthier than how I used to live. I need to stop ignoring these issues and face them, writing them out like how I am doing now helps me understand what I am doing. Being bitter over this weekend will get my absolutely no where. Moving forward is the first step at getting rid of these negative thoughts.